I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
should my penis look like a turkey
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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