Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
