So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
