Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
