you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
