I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
