someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
