That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm just crazy horny about you
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
