Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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