Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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