my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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