im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
