please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
