Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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