the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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