Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
