Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
