everyone is single if you try hard enough
My cat gives me a boner
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
