I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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