My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
