We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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