Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
