yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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