I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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