Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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