I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I could make wine with my vomit
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
