just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
