The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
