I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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