And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
