I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
