I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
