I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
