Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
