Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
