just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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