My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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