is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
