Ketchup is God's man juice
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
