Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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