Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
