I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
