It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she woke up with a sticky ear
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
