If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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