my shit smells like andre
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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