Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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