i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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