Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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