In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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