Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
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