When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
