When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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