Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
