Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
