I wanna bring you to show and tell
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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