If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
